Tony's narrative

The Bear

Beep Aiden, wake up. Beep Aiden, wake up, beep. I opened my left eye and looked at my Iphone, 8:30am. I got up and slowly walked towards the the bathroom half asleep. I undressed myself, stepped in the shower and started cleaning myself. After I finished having my shower I looked at my face in the mirror. That large, pale scar going across my face contrasted my deep dark brown eyes and my black hair. I got dressed, walked down stairs into the kitchen and poured myself a bowl of cereal.

While I was eating I got a phone call from Anna (my childhood friend). She sounded as if she was crying and said for me to come immediately. So I quickly got in my car and drove off leaving my half eaten cereal behind. When I got there Alex’s car was there (my other childhood friend, Anna, Alex and I are really close, Alex has a crush on Anna). While I was walking up the stairs to Anna’s house I was thinking about how peaceful and fun it was when we were young. And then it all changed.

It was my 7th birthday, Anna and Alex were with me (I didn’t have many friends when I was young). We were having fun in the park when we heard a strange noise coming from a cave (the cave was big enough to fit an elephant inside it). I grabbed a stick and started walking towards the cave. My heart started pounding really fast, my hands started sweating and I started shaking a little bit. “Be careful” shouted Anna. I turned around to see Anna’s long blonde hair swaying in the wind, her blue eyes and her rosy cheeks. Anna always cared for me even when I was sick and she still cares for me even though she could have gotten sick herself.

I turned around and took a step closer. The cave  made a loud snorting noise. I quickly turned around. I stared right at Alex’s brown eyes and pulled a face saying HELP ME but he just took a step back and shook his head (he always was a scaredy cat, always making me do all the brave stuff even though i was scared too). Somehow I knew he would say no and I turned back around. I looked down and saw a stone, I picked up the stone and chucked it at the cave as hard as I could. It made a thumping sound. A loud roar came from the cave then there was silence then a BEAR came out!

The bear ran towards me, smacked me on my chest and sent me flying a few feet. Running towards me it scratched me on my my face and I started bleeding. The bear then put its paws together and smashed my right leg. Screaming, I fainted.

I woke up, shot up and looked around. “Oh thank god you’re alive!”

“Mum?” “where are we?”

“We’re in a hospital.”

“But what happened to the bear?”

“Why don't you ask Alex?”

I looked around the room and saw Alex and Anna in the back of the room. Alex stood up and walked towards me, I noticed something different about him. He dyed his hair brown when it used to be black and he didn’t have freckles anymore. “What happened to your freckles?”

Alex blushed and said “I still have freckles... I'm just wearing makeup.”

I let out a chuckle “Hey! you shouldn’t laugh at the person that saved your life!”

“Oh, yeah what did happen to the bear?”

“Well, when the bear smashed your leg and you fainted I knew you would be killed if I didn’t do anything. So I looked around and saw a stone. I threw it at the bear, then it got mad. It ran towards me so I ran for my life and told Anna to get your dad. While I was running I knew the bear would catch up to me so I climbed up a tree and waited. The bear saw me and started smacking the tree. The tree started breaking apart. Just before the tree broke, your dad shot a tranquilizer at the bears butt and it was paralyzed. That’s it, that the story.”

“Wow. But what happened to the bear?”

“We called the zoo and they took him.”

“When can I go home, mum?”

“About 2-3 weeks when your leg heals up.”

“It’s going to be boring here so make sure you guys come back play with me.”

At the front door I rang the bell.

“Come in”

I opened the door and...

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” the surprise was so surprising I nearly jumped off the stairs. I went in and greeted everyone. That day was the best day of my life... besides the day I got married to Anna.

Well done Tony, you really added some great descriptive detail about the characters. Next Learning steps for you are to stop putting more than 1 ‘and’ in a sentence, to use capital letters consistently and to vary your sentence beginning.