Madi's Narrative

 Llama land  

Once there was a beautiful place called Llama land. It was full  of tall, short, skinny and fat llamas each and everyone a different colour. Llama land was full of fresh green grass that made the beautiful blue summer sky have a hint of green.

Llama land was home to a girl called Lily. Lily’s long shiny hair  would shimmer in the summer light. Lily loved to brush out the llamas curly hair so Lily’s tall figure came in handy.

One day Lily was picking flowers in the forest and she came across a flower she had never seen before. It was quite beautiful. It had an amethyst center that grew into a light purple that would shimmer when the summer sky emerged through the branches of the pine trees. Lily could not resist so she picked a bunch and went on her way. But what Lily did not know was that these flowers were in seed so every step Lily took another seed would fall out making another beautiful bush with sparkling purple flowers.

A group of blue green and pink llamas came along and ate some of this beautiful purple flower. A minute or two later the llamas collapsed. Lily heard their moaning cries and ran as fast as she could, adrenalin rushing through her body with her heart pumping. Finally Lily found them. Her heart stopped. Lily did not understand why the llamas were crying and why they were whimpering. There it was out the corner of Lily’s eye - she saw that same purple flower Lily had picked just minutes ago.

Lily felt like bursting into tears. But she had to be strong. Lily dropped the flowers and helped the llamas one by one to get away from this ghastly flower. The llamas were not safe there were 20 or so more plants. That night in bed Lily was thinking ‘How can I save these llamas and make them feel safe again?’ Lily fell fast asleep but with a fantastic idea in her head.

Lily was going to build a fence but not just any fence this fence would be 15 feet tall so no llamas could jump over it there would be concrete under the fence so no llama or any animal could dig underneath it. The fence would have no gaps so no llama big or small could squeeze through. Llama land was going to be safe again llamas would go throughout their day knowing that they would be safe.

Lily went and cut down some trees and asked the local tree cutter to cut them into long thick strips. He agreed. After long and hard days and nights Lily had finished the fence. Lily was impressed and proud of herself and what she had accomplished. So were the llamas of llama land and for that they made her Queen and everyone and llamas of the world lived happily ever after.

Great use of descriptive language to add detail. Your NLS are to remember to use capital letters for names and to use the possessive apostrophe eg: Madi's Narrative correctly. I'm also really pleased with the effort in correcting your spelling!! :)

Vincent's Narrative

Planet Earth 1000 Years Later.

One century there was a planet called Zebrlug which is a very, very small planet with a large population.

The planet Zeblurg is a planet where most of the population have a very high IQ (2x better than regular humans). Four people named Mosh, Michael, Adam and Elizabeth built an incredible spaceship that could pull a planet which they are going to use to pull next to their planet.

The family explored and explored even though they got sick most of the way through. They passed many many planets but they were either too cold, too hot or just unable to be lived on. The people on Zeblurg were desperate to get more space. Everyone was depending on them since the size of their planet is smaller than Pluto. ”We need more space!” shouted the Zeblurgarians.

The family has been travelling for four and a half months and they haven’t eaten in days. Fortunately  they found souffles. Finally after a few days they found a clean green planet called Earth. It was green with clean oxygen and fresh water to drink just like Zeblurg.

The family hovered down to planet Earth to observe what happens and what lives on the planet. The Zeblurgarians came out of the space shuttle and tried communicating with the earthlings but they were too busy protesting, fighting and having wars.

The Zeblugarians thought that this was horrible and they knew what this plant used to look like but now it has changed. But one of them had a plan.

The Zeblurgariand pulled planet Earth right next to them and thought of building a long tunnel. But before that they decided to put up a L.C.D screen around their planet with a force field around it. The L.C.D screen played a video of zeblurg and waited for the earthlings to react.

After the earthlings realised where they were they got all their missiles, rocket ships and bombs to throw at the planet. The video playback was pretending that they were hitting the planet when it was only a forcefield. The video played that they blew the planet up and the earthlings celebrated.

Zeblurg sent a hologram to earth and explained to them slowly what happened and why they did that and since they were both humans they decided to work together and lived happily ever after especially Adam, Mosh, Michael and Elizibeth received a huge reward and lived like kings.

Well done Vincent. Your NLS are to use consistent past tense and to make sure you develop your characters by adding in details of their appearance, personalities and clothing. You did a good job of describing what happened.

Nocolas's Narrative

Trap Field         

“Hurry up we got an email from a  volcanologist, are you listening?! Or are you asleep?!”

No answer.

“Hurry up you brown hair brown eyes snail!” said Nicolas  furiously

Andrew slumbered half asleep to the computer.

“Read this,” said Nicolas.

 

To Nicolas and Andrew

Hi I’m Dave a volcanologist. We have two gaps left for a trip to Rotorua to study the geysers. We would love to have you two to come along with us the money would be paid for the tickets to go to Rotorua. We have booked the flights to go there tomorrow so be ready junior

volcanologist.

Yours scenically,

Dave.

Andrew jumped from half asleep to really excited in seconds.

“Let’s go,” said Andrew to Nicolas with excitement.   

They packed their bags as quickly as possible. The next day was here so they hopped on a plane to Rotorua but they didn't know something really bad was going to happen.

     Nicolas and Andrew arrived at Rotorua on 26 of July 1998 for a study. The geyser we were taken to was one of the oldest and aggressive in Rotorua. Suddenly the geyser begun bubbling and fizzing unusually. We went back as a precaution, cracks opened up with lava showing.

We were amazed and scared at the same time that it could ever erupt with lava. Astoundingly there was lava down there. A volcano alarm went off. The head scientist thought it was a mistake because this geyser couldn't erupt as badly as a volcano, but he was wrong! Shortly after the ground started to shake and all the geysers became aggressive. Then it happened a massive burst of lava spewed out of the geysers. The hot water steamed away into vapor  then the lava overflowed out of the boundary.

We ran to the cars yelling. The hot Lava caught up to the cars because it was parked on the other side of the geyser and  it melted in a matter of seconds. We began sprinting the opposite direction. After a while we came across another geyser that was larger than the last one.  It covered the remaining exit and we remembered we were in the middle of the geyser field so where ever we go we will be blocked by lava. We were DOOMED. The only thing we could do was stay here and become vaporized humans. We heard a sound of hope a rescue helicopter was approaching to see if any one was at the geyser field  at the time of the eruption.

It’s a miracle!  We were full of joy.

But we weren't  rescued yet,the lava creaped closer to where we were yelling and waving.  We only had a meter between the lava that was scorching hot!  The rescue helicopter was near but we couldn't see it because the steam rose up  and covered it. Suddenly a ladder dropped from the sky then we clung on to the ladder and were pulled to safety.

    

The devastation was horrendous the lava poured into the neighbouring national park and set everything on fire and seeped into the neighborhood at least we escaped unharmed.

By: Nicolas Keenan

          

Well done - you used some excellent language, and varied your sentences to make them interesting. Your NLS are to use punctuation such as capital letters and apostrophes correctly. You also need to avoid sentences that 'run on.'

Shunto's Narrative

Pineapple

Once upon a time there was aq grandmother and grandfather who lived in the mountain. Every day the grandfather was mowing the lawn in the mountains and  the grandmother was washing  the clothes in the river. When the grandmother washed in the river the big pineapple came flowing. The grandmother said,“Large pineapple has been flowing.”

Grandmother back home and waited for grandfather to come back.

“What is this?" Grandfather said.

“Looks like delicious let's eat."

Grandmother tried to cut off some pineapple with a kitchen knife. When the grandmother cut the big pineapple a little baby boy came out.

Grandfather and grandmother were very happy because they don’t have children.

"Your name was Pineapple, because you’re born from pineapple”

4 years later, Pineapple don’t do any exercise and so lazy. One day terrible news came. It was news that aliens come to mess around and were killing humans in the city. So grandmother and grandfather didn’t do any work in outside. The house became poor because grandmother and grandfather didn’t do any work.

"I came to defeat the aliens” Pineapple said.

"Stop" grandmother said.

"Please stop," grandfather said.

"I would no longer eat something delicious so I defeat the aliens."

The Pineapple did not listen to his grandfather and grandmother so Pineapple went to go to the aliens base.  

Grandfather gave him a sword and grandfather said, “This was treasure that my grandfather found." Grandmother gave him delicious sushi. Grandmother cried and said, “Good luck Pineapple.”

Pineapple went to the alien’s base. There are so many aliens but Pineapple used the treasure sword and defeated all the aliens. The aliens boss was coming so Pineapple ate the sushi and use the sword and won. When Pineapple went back to the home the grandmother and grandfather were so happy. Grandfather said, “You did it.” Grandmother said, “My boy.”

After Pineapple killed all the aliens the king give money to Pineapple and Pineapple worked hard and ate many delicious things.

By Shunto Harada

Great work Shunto. I liked your use of direct speech and the story had a complication and a resolution. Your next learning steps are to: use full-stops and capital letters properly. As well as to use ‘the’ and write in the past tense.

Jessy's Narrative

                                             

Lost in the woods

Bella and Rosalie landed in Christchurch, New Zealand.They came from Australia to see all

the native animals. Bella is tall with long blonde hair and her passion is to help others. Rosalie has long brown

curly hair and she likes to help others too.

First the girls needed to find a hotel to stay in but they took the wrong turn and it took them into the woods.

The rental car broke down so they were stuck in the woods. Bella saw a big light coming their way.

Rosalie heard a noise, it was a car. The car stopped for them and they got in. Bella asked the stranger, “Can you

take us to a hotel?” And then the stranger did. The girls arrived at the hotel, it was amazing! There was an inside

pool, a spa and king size beds.

The next day Bella and Rosalie found these long wands under the beds, so Bella picked them up. The girls were thinking about their house in Australia and they suddenly turned up at their house. Then they realized it was a travelling machine. “Let’s go to Paris then London,” Bella said. Then they found out that they could appear anything in their hands. So they wished for a million dollars and it appeared in their hands. They were the richest people in the world.

Next they wished for a big castle and got one. It had 30 bedrooms, 35 bathrooms, 15 living rooms and 40 kitchens. They could do anything they wanted. After a while they used their wands way too much and got turned into witches. They did’nt want that. So they went to their magic books and they looked, looked and looked.

After a while Bella and Rosalie found the spell that they wanted. They cast the spell and they went back to

normal. They lived in their castle forever, happily ever after.

DONE BY JESSICA ETHERINGTON    

Well done Jesse, you’ve worked very hard at this. Good use of language and words that are more descriptive. Your next learning steps are to use consistent tense, to use speech marks correctly and to add more detail to your characters as things happen.

Tony's narrative

The Bear

Beep Aiden, wake up. Beep Aiden, wake up, beep. I opened my left eye and looked at my Iphone, 8:30am. I got up and slowly walked towards the the bathroom half asleep. I undressed myself, stepped in the shower and started cleaning myself. After I finished having my shower I looked at my face in the mirror. That large, pale scar going across my face contrasted my deep dark brown eyes and my black hair. I got dressed, walked down stairs into the kitchen and poured myself a bowl of cereal.

While I was eating I got a phone call from Anna (my childhood friend). She sounded as if she was crying and said for me to come immediately. So I quickly got in my car and drove off leaving my half eaten cereal behind. When I got there Alex’s car was there (my other childhood friend, Anna, Alex and I are really close, Alex has a crush on Anna). While I was walking up the stairs to Anna’s house I was thinking about how peaceful and fun it was when we were young. And then it all changed.

It was my 7th birthday, Anna and Alex were with me (I didn’t have many friends when I was young). We were having fun in the park when we heard a strange noise coming from a cave (the cave was big enough to fit an elephant inside it). I grabbed a stick and started walking towards the cave. My heart started pounding really fast, my hands started sweating and I started shaking a little bit. “Be careful” shouted Anna. I turned around to see Anna’s long blonde hair swaying in the wind, her blue eyes and her rosy cheeks. Anna always cared for me even when I was sick and she still cares for me even though she could have gotten sick herself.

I turned around and took a step closer. The cave  made a loud snorting noise. I quickly turned around. I stared right at Alex’s brown eyes and pulled a face saying HELP ME but he just took a step back and shook his head (he always was a scaredy cat, always making me do all the brave stuff even though i was scared too). Somehow I knew he would say no and I turned back around. I looked down and saw a stone, I picked up the stone and chucked it at the cave as hard as I could. It made a thumping sound. A loud roar came from the cave then there was silence then a BEAR came out!

The bear ran towards me, smacked me on my chest and sent me flying a few feet. Running towards me it scratched me on my my face and I started bleeding. The bear then put its paws together and smashed my right leg. Screaming, I fainted.

I woke up, shot up and looked around. “Oh thank god you’re alive!”

“Mum?” “where are we?”

“We’re in a hospital.”

“But what happened to the bear?”

“Why don't you ask Alex?”

I looked around the room and saw Alex and Anna in the back of the room. Alex stood up and walked towards me, I noticed something different about him. He dyed his hair brown when it used to be black and he didn’t have freckles anymore. “What happened to your freckles?”

Alex blushed and said “I still have freckles... I'm just wearing makeup.”

I let out a chuckle “Hey! you shouldn’t laugh at the person that saved your life!”

“Oh, yeah what did happen to the bear?”

“Well, when the bear smashed your leg and you fainted I knew you would be killed if I didn’t do anything. So I looked around and saw a stone. I threw it at the bear, then it got mad. It ran towards me so I ran for my life and told Anna to get your dad. While I was running I knew the bear would catch up to me so I climbed up a tree and waited. The bear saw me and started smacking the tree. The tree started breaking apart. Just before the tree broke, your dad shot a tranquilizer at the bears butt and it was paralyzed. That’s it, that the story.”

“Wow. But what happened to the bear?”

“We called the zoo and they took him.”

“When can I go home, mum?”

“About 2-3 weeks when your leg heals up.”

“It’s going to be boring here so make sure you guys come back play with me.”

At the front door I rang the bell.

“Come in”

I opened the door and...

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” the surprise was so surprising I nearly jumped off the stairs. I went in and greeted everyone. That day was the best day of my life... besides the day I got married to Anna.

Well done Tony, you really added some great descriptive detail about the characters. Next Learning steps for you are to stop putting more than 1 ‘and’ in a sentence, to use capital letters consistently and to vary your sentence beginning.

Caitlyn's Narrative

                                 THE SECRET GOLDEN ACORN

On a bright sunny December day just a few days before Christmas Natalie and Mary were chilling by the pool. They were two best friends enjoying their summer holiday, tanning their slim sleek bodies letting their long shiny blond hair blow in the wind and just taking it easy. That evening Mary and Natalie were asked by Jane (Mary’s mum) to go and buy some milk. Off they set down the clean sleek street of Summerville. As they wandered they marked landmarks to make sure they did not get lost. Then as Natalie and Mary crossed the road to go into the dairy they saw a shortcut home. A sign said shortcut to Mulberry Lane 2km. They got excited as they could get home faster. So they went into the dairy and bought milk and started down the shortcut road.

Five minutes passed and they were still walking. Fifteen minutes passed and they were still walking. They knew something was wrong and they had to make a plan. They stopped at a nearby tree to rest and to plan their next move. When they looked around they were surrounded by trees and forest. There were no signs or other paths only the one dirt road. As they sat figuring out their next move night began to fall and the wind became strong. Mary and Natalie knew they had to make a move to try and get home. The two friends carried on down the road and as a horrible gush of wind flew through their long blond hair far in the distance they saw a light that looked like a lamp post. They hurried to the light and when they reached it they saw two signs and two paths. One on the right said to Mulberry Lane and the other had no name. Down the left they saw a bright shining light and of course they wanted to get home but they wanted to find out what it was.

Mary and Natalie ran down the left lane as fast as they could and as they got closer the glow  began to take shape. The closer they got the more it became clearer. There hanging from the tree was a golden acorn. Mary gasped and began to tell Natalie the story about the golden acorn.

“It is a secret sent by the the elders to guide people and only true friends can see and remove it.”

They both felt honored and hurried up to it. Natalie gently lifted it off the tree and hid it in her colourful jacket. From that day on it became their secret friendship acorn that only they knew about .

Shortly after picking it they walked back and went down the right path. About ten minutes later they came out on Mulberry Lane.They stood there staring at number ten Mulberry Lane both sighing with relief, both excited to be home again. As they entered the gate Jane came rushing out and threw her arms around both of them. Then she asked in a voice of relief where they had been. They smiled at each other, hiding the secret acorn behind them they said with a giggle

“we went on a ADVENTURE”.                                                                                   

BY:Caitlyn Spies

Good use of paragraphs, and a variety of sentences. Your next learning steps are to always use capital letters for names, to use the spell checker each time and to add more detail to your character descriptions.

ZIPYAPODEDA’S MICE MISSION.

On Monday Abby was in her backyard saving bees, butterflies, birds and looking after her pet lamb she saved from a fire. When she was finished she had a picnic with her teddies than her dog Zipyapodeda went up to her and said, “Hi” in a human voice. Abby fainted in surprise.

Her icy blue eyes opened as she was woken up by Zipyapodeda licking her face with his long, red tongue and yelling “Abby, Abby.” She got to her weirdly small feet and almost fainted again. “Y-y-you can talk b-b-but you're a dog,” she said frightenedly.

“Ok yes I'm a dog and yes I can talk but I.”

“AHHHHHHHHHHH its true you can talk its not a dream.”  

“Yes but I need your help with something,” Zipyapodeda said calmly.

“Um ok so what is it?” she said with her heart racing. Zipyapodeda told Abby about a secret mission he was doing. “So basically all we have to do is catch lots of mice and put this stuff on them so when the cats eat or smell them, the cats will turn good and will be ruled by humans and dogs,” said Abby finally, calm but confused.

“Yes thats basically what's gonna happen.”

“But I still don't get why we’re doing this, why to cats?”

“Because cats have been trying to make all humans allergic to dogs so they can then become mans best friend and do some weird commando thing so humans will obey the cats and cats will rule the world,” Zipyapodeda said with a big gasp of breath at the end.

“Ohhhhhh right,” Abby said.

So the next day Abby and Zipyapodeda set off to find lots of mice. Abby went into a pet shop where she worked and asked her manager how much it would cost to buy all of the mice. It was far too much money so Abby just brought two mice. Zipyapodeda’s long, black fur blew in the wind while he was chasing about four mice around a big field. He finally caught three of them but the fourth one got away. Abby and Zipyapodeda met up at the park and decided that this was going to be far too hard. “How are we supposed to find and catch like five hundred mice, this is gonna be impossible.” Zipyapodeda said panting his heart out. Then a great idea popped into Abby’s head “I know, why don't we buy one of those whistle things that attract mice you know the ones we see on T.V KILL THOSE MICE I think its called. We can lead them into the big barn out the back of the field.”       

“What a wonderful idea but where will get one of those whistles?” said Zipyapodeda with his manky tail wagging.

That night Abby went on ebay looking for a KILL THOSE MICE  whistle “ I found one, yay, this is great. ZIPYAPODEDA guess what?”

Zipyapodeda woke up with dribble everywhere “Ha ha sorry. So what is it thats made you so happy?”

“I found one “

“Found what?” Zipyapodeda said with a big yawn at the end.

“A whistle to attract mice you know the KILL THOSE MICE whistle.”

“Ohhh that whistle. WELL THATS GREAT!”............

“Its here.” Abby went flying out the door to get the package. Zipyapodeda followed Abby. They opened the box and inside was a very large whistle so Abby blew on it. “For such a big whistle it makes almost no sound.”

“Well thats weird.” All of a sudden four or five mice came inside and crowded around Abby and Zipyapodeda. Abby quickly grabbed them and put them in the box that the whistle came in. “Yay it works. Come on lets go get us some more mice,” Abby said eagerly. Abby and Zipyapodeda went through fields, towns and old barns. When they were walking to the old barn out the back of the field they heard weird noises coming from behind them. Abby and Zipyapodeda turned round slowly to find about one thousand mice following them. “Keep blowing the whistle and RUN to the barn, I’ll go behind and make sure the mice keep moving,” Zipyapodeda said with great excitement.

“We made it (puff puff). Look at all these mice.” Abby said puffing.

“At midnight I’ll go get the spray to spray the mice, from my friend Sacklolia.”

“Ok I’ll sleep in here with the mice and I’ll set my alarm so it goes off every twenty minutes to blow the whistle.”

The next morning Zipyapodeda and Abby started spraying the spray all over the mice. The spray stunk so Abby went and got masks for Zipyapodeda and herself to wear. “This is gonna take for ever, huh”

“Oh well.” It took about two hours to get the spray all over all of the mice than they were ready to set them free.

“I’ll go all the way down to the front of the field, and when I look far enough away open the barn door. I’ll blow the whistle, hopefully the mice will follow and go all over town and everywhere,” Abby said hoping her plan would work.

“Ok.” Abby ran as fast as she could down to the front of the field, Zipyapodeda opened the barn door and all the mice went charging out after Abby. She came running back to Zipyapodeda “All the mice went and I saw a few cats chasing some so lets hope this works”

“Oh good”

All the cats were turned good. All except for one - Blabumdepoo. She knew the whole time what Zipyapodeda was up to but she kept it to herself. Abby and Zipyapodeda went back to being normal except for the fact that Zipyapodeda can talk. Everybody was saved, well at least Abby and Zipyapodeda think so........To be continued

    

By Abby Julie Hansen            

Great writing Abby. I really liked the descriptions and your use of conversational language as well as the plot. Your next learning steps are to consistently use capital 'I' and '?' as well as to add more detail to the description of your characters personalities. Remember to vary your sentence lengths.