Josh's Narrative

Acies The Dark Planet

On 27 October, 2432 Josh walked down the street. Strong and brutish from his days as an ex-astronaut he attracted glances wherever he went. His friends James (muscular and rugged engineer) and Arteis (designs, fixes and flies rockets) were alongside him. “Space? Is there anyone or anything out there?”

On that same day at the same time Nasa had found a new planet. It was much like our own and did have a type of life form. Nasa found this planet named Acies by tracking the suit of a dead astronaut. This astronaut named Bob Johnson, died tragically by having his space cord broken and then slowly floating away into space.

It transpired that these new life forms had modified his genetic system/code to be like a superman. They found this out by looking through a camera in the suit, Bob was modified so that he could lead 3 aliens to destroy the world. Acies (their planet) somehow takes remnants of  planets and transforms them into super Creatures to lead an invasion of their own planets. These creatures/life forms calls themselves Zachini. “Prepare to be invaded. Nothing can stop us. We are your new overlords. Mwhahahahahah primitive Earth beings,” they radioed ahead.

The humans waited for the invasion to come but nothing happened. Josh and his friends decided they'd take the invasion to them. They went to Nasa and asked for a ship to go in.They had the perfect model and it was ready to go. They took off and suddenly a Force Field popped up around the planet. A portal opened up. It was a trap: the greatest ship on earth was not able to help, so they carried on.

On the planet Bob was about to jump through the portal with his aliens. His aliens didn't stop, so when they made it on that planet it was just him. They locked on a missile to the shield and portal displayer and destroyed it. Then went through the portal before it closed over on them and Bob was stuck on the planet.

The armies from each country had held off the aliens and then the 3 friends killed the aliens. Everyone around the world cleaned up their cities and streets and went back to their normal lives.

One week later the whole world had a day of remembrance for those who died, Turns out that the Zachinis planet was meant to have died billions of years ago and the three friends had broken the planet's life support. That day the planet exploded and died with all of the Zarchinis on it. Never would Earth forget they day that they all almost died.

Josh, you did a great job of editing, lots of great language and varied sentence beginnings. Your next learning steps are to use a variety of sentence lengths, to add more detail to your character descriptions and to use speech marks correctly.