Kevin's Narrative

A New Planet

The year is 2022. A scientist discovered a new planet that is identical to Earth. It has water and it’s just the right size for people to live in and also there’s a sun. They are going to call it Auris.  The president of America called the group called Vanu Sovereignty.  The president ordered them to head to Auris next month. It will take 4 years to reach. Their  ship is called Galaxy  Vx3  it’s armed with lasers in front, 2 lasers at the side of the ship one laser at the back and one nuke on the top.

After several days of training they are ready to launch. In 5 minutes they will launch. Today the earth stood still. There were no cars on the street, no planes in the air. Everyone stayed at home and watched T.V just to see them launch into space. T Minus 10..9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2..1 BLAST OFF!

They are in space now and heading towards Auris. They are traveling 100000 km per hour. In one hour they had no sight of the earth and the sun. They were in middle of nowhere.

One Year passed. They had travelled 100000000 light years  from earth. It was so far away that they had lost contact with Nasa but they can use their long range telescope to see them. It was so far away it was blurry.

3 years passed and they had traveled  300000000 light years  from Earth. Only 1 more year to go. Kennedy said, “We have unidentified aircraft approaching us from the north and closing in fast.” When the radar said it was right in front of them they couldn't see anything. Nick said “Get ready to shoot,” but then the radar said it was right behind him. The unidentified aircraft shot its lasers at the 4 engines. The aircraft rocked like a 10.1 earthquake.  Kennedy banged into a windscreen. Nick stayed on his chair. The other Rick  went flying across the ship and jason also went flying. After the unidentified aircraft flew away one of the astronauts was knocked unconscious and everyone else was ok. The ship has 6 engines but 4 of them had been destroyed so they only have 2 engines left.  The ship needed 6 engines to move and without those engines they couldn’t move fast they could only travel 60 km per hour. Nick said, “We need to repair the engines.” Then Jason said, “We don't need to, we have nanobots to repair the shredded engines but it will take 8 months to fully repair the engines.” Nick said “Let’s just use those 2 engines to head back to Earth”

“But it will take forever,” said Jason.

8 months passed. The good news is that the engines had been repaired but the bad news is that they are running out of food. Now the ship is heading towards earth traveling  100000 per hour  back to earth. Now they have to wait 2 years just to head back. The 2 astronauts said, “We don't have enough food to make it back to Earth.” But there's something worse than starving to death the ship only had 30% of oxygen remaining. They will suffocate to death and that’s the worst way of dying.

Now 2 years have passed they can finally see Earth but they were starving and the oxygen supply is gone. They have to use oxygen tanks but the 2 astronauts died because they gave all of the oxygen to the engineer and the captain. They finally landed in the USAF base. They were relieved that most of them made it back to earth. The medics rushed to  the astronaut trying to revive them by giving them oxygen and in a second  they were alive they were all ok. They were all over the news. They told every single government that aliens exist in planet Auris. Now every single scientist are discovering new weapons to defeat aliens in case of an alien invasion.

Great writing, Kevin. Some outstanding language used such as: ‘nanobot,’ ‘astronaut,’ and ‘unidentified.’ Your NLS are to: Vary your sentence begionnings, add more detail to your main characters and introduce them at the beginning; lastly to organise your writing in other ways than by using time.